Tributes and eulogies: speaking about someone at a funeral, memorial or celebration
Agree the length and what the service allows, gather two or three stories, write it out in large type, choose a backup reader, and speak about someone living the same way.
- Start here: the essentials
- What a eulogy and a tribute are, and who speaks
- How long it runs
- When the service limits what is said
- Stories: gathering them and choosing two
- Writing it out for your voice
- The backup, and getting through it
- A tribute to someone living
- Length figures, the Catholic sources and other structures
- See it: Amara's eulogy for her father
- Practice: write and print one tribute
- Your talk
- Check your work
- Knowledge check and scenario
Start here Essentials
For a first pass, this chapter asks you to find out how long you have and what the service allows, choose two stories, write the talk in large type, and put a second copy in someone else's hands.
- Ask the family and the officiant how long you have and what the service allows. The officiant is the person who leads the service (when the service limits what is said, how long it runs).
- Ask two or three people for a story each, and choose two that show who the person was. Note who told each (stories).
- Write it out in large type. Start with who you are to them, end with a closing line, and print it (writing it out).
- Give a copy to a backup reader. Choose them now (the backup).
Minimum time: about two hours, spread over a few days, plus the calls. Done when: the script is printed large, it runs within the time you were given when you read it out loud, and someone holds a second copy.
What a eulogy and a tribute are, and who speaks Understand
A eulogy is a speech in praise of someone who has died. A tribute is the same kind of speech, given at a funeral, a memorial, a retirement or a birthday, for someone living or dead. Oklahoma State's open textbook points out who it is for: a eulogy is a speech for the people who are still living (Oklahoma State, types of special occasion speeches). That changes what you are trying to do. You are not summarizing a life for the record. You are giving the people in the room one clear picture of the person to take home.
Two ideas from Shaping a short talk carry a tribute. A talk has one main point, so decide what the person's life says in one sentence before you write. And a talk has a close, so the room knows it has ended; here that is a closing line, which may be a poem, a prayer or a sentence of your own.
Who speaks, and saying yes or no
Anyone close to the person may be asked: a child, a sibling, a friend, a colleague. At some services the person leading the ceremony gives the tribute instead. The National Association of Funeral Directors in the UK says a celebrant delivering the tribute is increasingly common (NAFD, how to write a eulogy). A celebrant or officiant is the person who leads the service, a clergy member, a funeral celebrant or a family friend. We use "officiant" for whoever that is, and we describe no tradition's customs for them: ask.
Emily Post says you may decline, honestly, if speaking would be too upsetting (Emily Post, giving a eulogy). We give the same courtesy to any request. Say so early, suggest someone who could do it, and offer something smaller: a written note the officiant reads, or a reading from a book. A late "no" is harder on everyone than an early one. Saying yes covers the questions to ask when you do say yes.
Coordinating with others
Ask the family what to mention and what to leave out, and ask the other speakers what they will cover, so the service neither repeats nor leaves out a part of the person's life (Emily Post). If you are speaking at a service of a faith you do not share, NorthShore's hospice newsletter advises leaving theology to the minister and checking the customs of an unfamiliar faith with the clergy ahead of time (NorthShore hospice, how to write a eulogy, a bereavement newsletter whose PDF dates from 2008 to 2013).
What may be said at a service of any faith is the officiant's and the tradition's to decide, not this manual's. We describe one tradition's written rules below as an example of why to ask, and we describe no other tradition's customs, because we found no source we would cite for them. Grief is not something this chapter treats. It gives you the speaking steps. If you are finding the loss hard to carry, your own doctor or a bereavement service can help, and Learn Funeral Planning's page on the service or gathering, a sibling manual, covers the arrangements around the speaking.
How long it runs Understand
Convention The family and the service set the length, and the sources give ranges that differ. Emily Post says each eulogy should be shorter the more eulogies there are, "no less than two minutes, but no longer than eight to ten." The National Funeral Directors Association's Remembering a Life site says two to five minutes if you are not the only speaker, and seven to ten if you are (Remembering a Life, how to write and deliver a eulogy). The ranges are side by side under Go deeper.
Our default, which is our convention and not a published figure: ask first. If nobody can give you a number and others are speaking, plan for about three minutes, inside the two to five that NFDA gives, and ask again closer to the day. At 130 words a minute, a planning figure and not a measurement of you, three minutes is about 390 words. A page of double-spaced text in 12-point type runs about two minutes, per Puget Sound's speaking center (Puget Sound, ceremonial speaking). In the large type recommended below, a page holds fewer words, so count words, not pages. Use the length calculator.
When the service limits what is said Understand
Many services have no rules about speakers, and the family decides. Some do. The clearest written example we found is the Catholic funeral Mass, and we use it as the one worked example of why to ask. It shows the shape of the question and the range of answers. It does not tell you what your officiant will say.
Convention The Order of Christian Funerals, the Catholic book of funeral rites, allows a family member or friend to speak before the final commendation begins, a part of the rite near the end of the Mass, and at the vigil, the prayer service held before the funeral. That is how the Diocese of Erie, Pennsylvania, summarizes it in its policy, citing numbers 170 and 80 of the rite (Diocese of Erie, words of remembrance policy). We did not read the rite's own text from the U.S. bishops' conference, so we rely on dioceses and a liturgist. Dioceses then add rules of their own. The table lists the examples we read (three dioceses and an archdiocese), each with its date and the caution that we did not find a newer version.
| Source | Date | Who | Length | Other points |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Archdiocese of Boston, Office of Divine Worship | Issued 2014 (page copyright 2024) | Only one family member or friend at the funeral liturgy | No more than five minutes | Put it in writing and give the script to the priest beforehand; it is not to be a eulogy as such; a eulogy or story fits the vigil at the funeral home or the committal at the cemetery. |
| Diocese of Erie | In force since Advent 2004 | One speaker at the Funeral Mass | About three to five minutes, shorter than the homily | Show the words to the presiding minister for approval of content and length; refer to the person's faith life; the vigil or the end of the committal fits better. |
| Diocese of Fort Wayne-South Bend, guidance | November 2010 | One person at the funeral Mass | Two or three minutes, about one typed double-spaced page in 12-point | Put it on paper and read it; no crude or profane language; you may review it with the priest. |
| Diocese of Fort Wayne-South Bend, policy | November 2010 | Words of remembrance, which it separates from a eulogy | Longer reflections elsewhere | Names the funeral home, the vigil, the cemetery farewell and the meal afterward as places for longer remarks. |
The sources also differ on whether the Mass is a place for these words. Father Paul Turner, a liturgist writing in The Priest magazine in 2023, calls the rubric that allows a family speaker one of the most contested in the funeral liturgy: some pastors allow a speaker and others refuse, even though the rite permits it (Turner, the place of a eulogy at a Catholic funeral). A bishop's pastoral reflection published by the Canadian Conference of Catholic Bishops in 2006 holds the stricter view that words of remembrance should not be part of the Mass, and that the vigil or a later gathering is the approved place (Bishop LeGatt, funeral eulogies). That is one bishop's view, not a conference-wide rule.
So the honest answer to "does a Catholic funeral allow a eulogy?" is that the rite allows a family member or friend to speak, the dioceses we read limit it to one speaker for a few minutes (Boston says no more than five), dioceses and pastors differ on whether and how long, and the parish settles it. We did not confirm that these policies are current in 2026, except that Boston's page carries a 2024 copyright. They are dated examples. Ask your parish.
The same shape of question applies to any service. Who leads it, who may speak, for how long, and does the officiant want to see the text? Ask the officiant. If you are speaking at a service in a tradition you do not know, ask what it expects and follow it. Our table has no other tradition's row because we do not describe customs we could not source.
The policies above are examples from two dioceses, one bishops' conference and one liturgist, with dates. They are not the Catholic Church's rule for your funeral. Your parish or your officiant settles what is said, who says it, and for how long. If you do not know who the officiant will be, ask the family or the funeral director.
If the Mass is not the place for the longer remarks, the places are the ones the policies name: the vigil, the funeral home, the graveside or the meal afterward. Emily Post notes that a eulogy may be given at a graveside service too (Emily Post, funeral etiquette at the service). A family can use that to give each person who wants to speak a place.
Stories: gathering them and choosing two Understand
A eulogy of two to five minutes holds about two stories. NorthShore's hospice writers advise snapshots rather than a summary of the whole life: choose two or three stories, and let dates go in the printed order of service. They list three points to convey: the person lived in a particular family, culture and time; their life affected others; and they will be missed. Remembering a Life says to gather stories from family and friends, by video call, email or phone, and to note who told which one.
- Ask five or six people one question. "What is one thing you remember about them that made you laugh, or that shows who they were?" Write down the story and who told it. The material sheet has a column for that.
- Look for the thread. Which stories point at the same quality: stubborn, generous, funny, exact? That is your main point, in a sentence.
- Choose two that show it. A story that shows a quality does more than a list of adjectives. Remembering a Life calls this showing rather than telling.
- Check each with someone who was there. A date, a name or a place that is wrong costs you the room. Finding what to say covers checking and the names.
The shape
Convention Remembering a Life's structure is: open with who you are and your relationship to the person, and say who asked you to speak; then stories that show character; end on consolation, with a poem, a prayer, a song lyric or a quotation. The NAFD advises against opening with "I was asked to say a few words." Oklahoma State's textbook describes the same movement as praise, lament, console. For a service with a faith tradition, the officiant may expect a closing from that tradition. Ask.
Faults, humor and the room
Remembering a Life says faults may be mentioned in a kind, compassionate and accepting way, with humor. NorthShore says to be honest about faults but that this is not the time to air the person's "dirty laundry." Emily Post says to focus on the person's best qualities and not on your feelings, and to handle humor with care for how everyone may receive it. The NAFD says humor suits a eulogy if it is affectionate, and Emily Post says if the eulogy has humor in it, it is fine for the room to laugh, not raucously (Emily Post, funeral etiquette at the service). Ask the family, and let a friend read the draft, as Emily Post suggests.
Writing it out for your voice Understand
Preference Our default for a eulogy is a full script, printed large. The sources split on this, and the split is under Go deeper. The reasons for a script apply here more than at a toast: emotion can take words away, and a page you can follow with a finger gives you a place to return to.
- Type size. The NAFD recommends at least 14-point type, double-spaced, with wide margins, and marking pauses with a slash. Emily Post says to print in an extra-large font. We use 16-point in the example.
- Pauses. A slash in the script marks where to breathe. Put one after each story's last line.
- Copies. NorthShore says people will want copies, so bring extras. Put the notes on the lectern before the service starts, as NorthShore advises.
- Read it aloud. Practice several times, and again that morning, says Remembering a Life. The NAFD says practice aloud three or four times, in the room if you can. Rehearsing out loud has the rehearsal steps.
- Show it to the officiant if the service has rules, as the diocesan examples above do.
The microphone at a lectern is a common arrangement at a funeral. The microphone section of Voice, microphone and the room covers speaking into one and keeping a script flat on a lectern.
The backup, and getting through it Understand
You may cry while you speak. The sources that discuss it are consistent on what to do, and none treats it as failure. Remembering a Life says it is okay to cry. Emily Post says if you choke up, pause to breathe and go on. NorthShore says to stop, take slow breaths and keep a glass of water nearby. Humanists UK's celebrant, whose method we cite as one practitioner's, says to speak slowly, allow time to pause and breathe, and that eye contact is optional if you expect to be very emotional; it is fine not to make it (Humanists UK, how to deliver a eulogy). The same celebrant says the eulogy does not have to be perfect.
A backup reader is a person chosen in advance who holds a copy and can finish for you. NorthShore says someone you preselected can take your script and finish. The NAFD advises asking a trusted friend to be ready to finish reading, or giving a copy to the celebrant. Humanists UK's celebrant says to arrange a support person who can step in or stand beside you, and that the celebrant can read it for you if that is easier. All three ask for the person before the day, not on it.
- Choose the backup now. Someone who will be in the room, who reads aloud calmly, and who knows you would rather not stop.
- Give them a copy, and tell them the signal. A nod, or a step toward the lectern.
- Mark a place to restart. If you stop, you will want to know where to start again. A new paragraph after each story works.
- Put water and tissues where you will stand. They are on the day-of checklist.
The section on emotion in Nerves and the unexpected covers what to do in the room. Delivering a eulogy is tiring, and Humanists UK's celebrant advises planning some rest afterward.
A tribute to someone living Understand
A retirement, a milestone birthday or an award calls for a tribute to someone who is in the room. The method is the same as above, shorter, with the person present to hear it. Choose one main point, two snapshots at most, and a close. Emily Post suggests nostalgia for a retiring colleague (Emily Post, all about toasting), and Puget Sound's speaking center gives two to four minutes for tributes unless you are the main speaker. No credible source we found gives a length for a retirement, a milestone or an award tribute, so the occasions table says "ask." If it ends with a toast, Giving a toast covers the closing line and the glass.
Length figures, the Catholic sources and other structures Go deeper
The length figures side by side
| Source | Length | What it applies to |
|---|---|---|
| Emily Post, giving a eulogy | Two minutes up to eight or ten; shorter with more speakers. | Eulogies at a US funeral, from an etiquette institution. |
| NFDA, Remembering a Life | Two to five minutes with other speakers; seven to ten alone. | US funeral directors' consumer site. |
| NAFD (UK) | Five to ten minutes, about 700 to 1,200 words. | UK services, which it says run 30 to 45 minutes in total. |
| NorthShore hospice | Five to ten minutes; ten is about all the time to take. | A hospice chaplaincy newsletter. |
| Puget Sound | Two to four minutes, unless you are the main speaker. | Tributes and introductions at ceremonial events. |
| Diocese of Erie; Fort Wayne-South Bend; Archdiocese of Boston | Three to five minutes; two or three; no more than five. | Words of remembrance at a Catholic funeral Mass, in two dioceses and an archdiocese. |
The NAFD's 700 to 1,200 words for five to ten minutes implies 140 to 120 words a minute; the NAFD's own rate figure, 120 to 150 when nervous, is a claim and not a measurement. Each range is written for a different kind of service, so a longer range does not make a shorter one wrong.
The Catholic sources in full, with their dates and what is unconfirmed
The Erie policy has been in force since Advent 2004 and we found no later revision; the Fort Wayne-South Bend documents carry November 2010 in their file names and we found no later version. Neither was confirmed current. The Canadian bishops' conference page is dated 2006 and is one bishop's reflection. Turner's article is dated October 2023. We did not read the publisher's own text of the Order of Christian Funerals; the numbers we cite (170 and 80 for the vigil and the Mass) come from Erie's policy. Fort Wayne-South Bend cites numbers 27 and 141 for its distinction between a eulogy and words of remembrance. Its policy also names a second option, to speak just before the Mass begins at the pastor's discretion, so the speaker is not left waiting anxiously through it. Turner notes that the vigil has largely disappeared as visitations move to just before the Mass, which is one reason the question comes up. For all of this, ask your parish.
A timed structure from UK funeral practice
The NAFD suggests timings for a five-to-ten-minute eulogy: an opening of 30 to 60 seconds, the life story 1 to 2 minutes, character and stories 3 to 5 minutes (two or three anecdotes), legacy 1 to 2 minutes and a close of 30 to 60 seconds. These are UK service norms from one association, and they scale down. A three-minute tribute might give 20 seconds to the opening, two minutes to two stories, 20 seconds to what the person leaves and 20 seconds to the close.
Memorize or read
The NAFD recommends a full script and says not to memorize. NorthShore says to write it out but not to read it word for word. Emily Post says to practice several times. Our default is the full script for a eulogy because emotion can take words away; a reader who knows the person well and has a short tribute may prefer cards. Diocesan guidance for the Mass says to read from paper.
See it: Amara's eulogy for her father See it
Amara Osei and her family are fictional, and every fact here is invented for this manual. Amara Osei, 47, has been asked by her mother to speak at the funeral of her father, Kwame Osei, who was 78. The service is a funeral Mass at the family's parish, followed by a reception in the parish hall. There is a microphone at the lectern. Four people have been asked to speak. Her brother Kofi Osei is her backup reader.
Known: the kind of service, the microphone, that four people have been asked, that her mother asked her.
Open facts, and who settles each.
- What the parish allows at the Mass. The pastor settles it. In this example he says one speaker only, about three minutes, before the final commendation, with the text shown to him beforehand. The other three speak at the reception. The family settles who the one speaker at the Mass is, and here that is Amara.
- Which stories. She gathered five by phone and email, noting who told each, and chose two: her father repairing a neighbor's fence in the rain, and the shoebox of receipts he labeled by year Her mother and Kofi check the details (Finding what to say).
- Whether to read or speak from notes. A full script in 16-point type, double-spaced.
- What happens if she cannot finish. Kofi reads the rest from his copy.
Assumed (Amara's): three minutes is about 390 words at 130 words a minute, so she writes about 320 and leaves room for pauses. At 16-point type her script runs longer than the single page the Fort Wayne-South Bend guidance describes for 12-point, so she counts words and not pages.
Her structure has four parts: who she is to him and who asked her (about 40 words); the fence story (about 120); the receipts story (about 120); a closing line the pastor has seen (about 40). Her mother asked her to include one line from a hymn, and the pastor will say whether it fits the Mass. Under these assumptions the script potentially fits the pastor's three minutes, and the pastor's approval and her timed read-through are what settle it.
Free pages that show the method: Emily Post's giving-a-eulogy page (saying no, coordinating and length), Remembering a Life's eulogy guide (gathering stories and structure), NAFD's guide (a timed structure and print size) and the Diocese of Erie's policy (an example of written rules for a service).
Practice: write and print one tribute Practice
Minimum: a script, printed large, that reads within the time you were given, with a second copy held by someone else. Time: about two hours, spread over a few days, plus the calls. Materials: a way to print, the material sheet, the plan and cards sheet and a timer.
- Ask two questions. Ask the family and the officiant how long you have, and what the service allows. Write the answers in the ask.
- Ask three people for a story each. Put each on the material sheet with who told it, and mark two "keep."
- Write the main point in one sentence. Then write the opening (who you are to the person and who asked you), the two stories, and a closing line.
- Check the length. Paste it into the length calculator. Cut a story, not a pause, if it runs over.
- Print it in at least 14-point type, double-spaced, with slashes at the pauses. Read it aloud with a timer.
- Give a copy to your backup reader and tell them the signal.
Write a second, shorter version. If you are told the time is cut, one story is enough. Mark which story you would drop, and print the short version too.
Your talk Your talk
Check your work Check your work
Criteria
- Did you ask the family and the officiant how long you have and what the service allows?
- Did you ask the other speakers what they will cover?
- Do two stories show one quality, and did someone who was there check each?
- Does the opening say who you are to the person and who asked you?
- Does it end with a closing line?
- Is it printed in at least 14-point type, double-spaced, with pauses marked?
- Does it read within the time you were given, out loud?
- Does someone hold a second copy, and do they know the signal?
Worked example
Amara's script has four parts and about 320 words, printed in 16-point type with slashes after each story. It runs within three minutes in her timed read. The pastor has seen it. Kofi holds a copy and knows the signal. The hymn line is still open until the pastor answers. It passes the criteria, and the one open question has a named person.
Common mistakes
- Writing before asking. A policy or a family's wish about length changes the whole plan.
- Summarizing the life. Dates go in the order of service; choose snapshots.
- Telling too many stories. Two fit in three minutes.
- Small type. Large type is easier to follow when you are upset. Print it large.
- One copy. If it is your only copy and your hands shake, you have no fallback.
- No backup. Choose one before the day, not at the lectern.
What is still unresolved
What the service allows is the officiant's to settle, and the family settles who speaks. Whether your voice will hold is not something a chapter can settle; emotion in Nerves and the unexpected covers it, and for support with grief your own doctor or a bereavement service is the place to ask. The arrangements around the speaking are in Learn Funeral Planning's service or gathering page. Other occasions are in Giving a toast.