Giving a toast at a wedding, birthday, retirement or dinner
What a toast is, who toasts first, how long to speak, how to end it with the room raising a glass, where the teasing stops, and what the person toasted does.
- Start here: the essentials
- What a toast is, and how long it runs
- Who toasts first, and when
- What to say: one point, one story, thanks and teasing
- Standing, the glass and the closing line
- Before you speak, and what is in the glass
- When the toast is to you
- Orders, water and the alcohol study side by side
- See it: Lena's toast and Theo's
- Practice: write and time one toast
- Your talk
- Check your work
- Knowledge check and scenario
Start here Essentials
For a first pass, this chapter asks you to find out when the toasts happen, write one point and one story, end with a line that invites the glass, and cut the result to the minutes you were given.
- Ask the host when the toasts happen and who goes first. The host, the couple or a planner sets the order (who toasts first, and when).
- Write one main point about the person, and one story that shows it. Leave out everything that does not serve the point (what to say).
- End with an invitation. "Please join me in raising a glass to" and the name, then raise the glass (the closing line).
- Time it out loud and cut it to about two minutes unless the host gave you another number (how long it runs).
Minimum time: about 45 minutes, plus the call to the host. Done when: the toast is written or on a card, and it runs two minutes or less out loud.
What a toast is, and how long it runs Understand
A toast is a short speech that congratulates, thanks or remembers someone, and ends with the room drinking to that person. Oklahoma State's open textbook describes it in those terms and adds the advice that gives the form its shape: keep it brief and look at the person you are toasting (Oklahoma State, types of special occasion speeches). The person the toast is for is the honoree. A birthday, a retirement, an anniversary, a dinner party and a wedding each use the same form with a different person at the center and different people in the room.
Two ideas from Shaping a short talk carry a toast. A talk needs one main point, a single sentence you could say to a friend. And a talk needs a close, so the listeners know it is finished and what to do next. In a toast the close is the invitation to raise a glass.
How long
Convention Emily Post's wedding guide says the best toasts last "a minute or two, three at most" (Emily Post, the wedding toast). That is a figure from one US etiquette institution, written for weddings. Birthday dinners, retirements and family gatherings have no equivalent published figure we would cite, so for those the length is the host's to name. Our default when no one has named one: plan for about two minutes.
Two minutes is a count of speaking time, so convert it to words with your own speaking rate. At 130 words a minute, a planning figure and not a measurement of you, two minutes is about 260 words and three minutes is about 390. Paste your draft into the length calculator and measure your own rate in its second box. Reading a script aloud and speaking from notes run at different speeds, and nerves usually push a speaker faster, so a toast timed in your living room may run shorter on the night.
The people who set the length are the people who set the program. The next section covers who they are.
Who toasts first, and when Understand
You do not decide when you toast. The host, the couple or a planner does, and the first thing to do with a toast request is ask (Saying yes covers the full set of questions to put to whoever asked you). The conventions below tell you what to expect and what to ask about. Each is a labelled convention from one institution, and a family's own customs come before any of them.
| Occasion | Who toasts first | When | Source |
|---|---|---|---|
| Dinner party or family dinner | The host has the first toast. If the host does not toast, a guest may propose one to the hosts. | Once drinks are poured, usually at the start of the meal or just before dessert. | Emily Post, all about toasting |
| Engagement party | The father of the bride, then the groom's father, friends and family, and the couple toasting their hosts. | The first toast about midway through the party. | Emily Post, the wedding toast |
| Rehearsal dinner | The host, usually the groom's father. A return toast from the bride's father often follows, then anyone else. | During the main course. Tales, jokes, songs and poems are welcome if light-hearted. | Emily Post, the rehearsal dinner |
| Wedding reception, US | The best man traditionally gives the first toast. The groom may toast any time after him, usually after both sets of parents. | At a sit-down dinner, as soon as everyone is seated. At a cocktail reception, after the couple arrives. Guests first have champagne or a nonalcoholic alternative. | Emily Post, the wedding toast and the groom's toast |
| Retirement, birthday, other large function | The host-first convention weakens at informal gatherings, and applies at large functions. | Ask the organizer. | Emily Post, all about toasting |
The order at a British wedding reception is different. It is in the side-by-side under Go deeper, and it is one reason to ask rather than assume.
When you ask, ask three things. When in the program does my toast fall, and what cues me to start? Who speaks before and after me? Is there anything the family wants mentioned or left out? If a planner or a DJ runs the evening, ask them, because they hold the timing. If you were asked to say a few words with no warning, Saying yes has a five-step method for speaking on the spot.
The orders and the lengths above are conventions from two etiquette institutions, one American and one British, and they differ from each other. They do not describe your event. The couple, the host or the planner sets the program, and a family's or a culture's own customs come first. When a convention here conflicts with what the host tells you, follow the host.
What to say: one point, one story, thanks and teasing Understand
A toast of two minutes has room for one main point and one or two short stories. That is the whole budget. Write the point first, as one sentence about the person or the couple. "Grandma Ruth taught every one of us to cook one dish, and none of us can make it like she does" is a point; "Ruth is a wonderful person" is a topic. Then choose the story that shows the point. If you have three stories, keep the best one and leave the others for a conversation afterward. Finding what to say covers how to gather stories and check them with the people in them.
The thanks the occasion calls for
Convention Some occasions come with a duty. Emily Post says a groom's toast thanks the guests and both sets of parents (Emily Post, the groom's toast). A host's toast at a dinner welcomes the guests. If your role comes with a thank-you, give it one sentence, early or just before the close, and do not turn it into a list.
Tone for the occasion
Convention Emily Post suggests sentiment for a wedding and nostalgia for a retiring colleague, kept short and positive, tied to the occasion, written out ahead and practiced (Emily Post, all about toasting). Treat that as a prompt, not a rule: a toast to a grandmother's 80th birthday has a wedding's warmth and a retirement's looking back, and the family's own way of speaking to each other is a better guide than a category.
Teasing, and where it stops
Gentle teasing is part of many toasts, and the sources agree on where it stops. Emily Post calls stories that might embarrass the honoree "off-limits" and says jokes at a wedding should be light and clean (Emily Post, all about toasting). Debrett's, the British etiquette house, says a flicker of embarrassment is traditional for a best man but "red-faced shame and humiliation" is not, and that the audience spans generations, so no off-color jokes or swearing (Debrett's, the best man's speech). Oklahoma State adds a test about inside jokes: toasts are public, so avoid jokes only a few people understand.
Put those together as one working test, which is our convention and not a published rule: would the grandparents in the room wince, and would the person teased laugh before the room does? If you cannot tell, ask someone who knows them, as Theo does in the example below. The rehearsal dinner is the one setting where Emily Post gives more latitude, welcoming tales and jokes that are "light-hearted and in good taste."
A roast is a toast that leans harder on teasing. Oklahoma State's textbook keeps the same limits: use only material the audience widely knows, leave out anything truly private or hurtful, and end on a positive note. If you have been asked to roast someone, the teasing test above still applies, and the honoree's agreement to be roasted is the one thing that moves the limit.
Notes or no notes
Preference Our default is notes on one or two cards: keywords, not sentences. Emily Post says using notes during a toast is fine, and advises preparing them days ahead and practicing out loud (Emily Post, the groom's toast). A card also gives your hands something to hold. Notes in Shaping a short talk shows how to make them.
Standing, the glass and the closing line Understand
The physical sequence of a toast is short, and knowing it takes one decision off your list on the night.
- Get your drink. You need a glass of something in your hand before you start. Any drink serves (see what is in the glass).
- Stand and ask for attention. Emily Post says the person toasting stands, except at a small, informal occasion, or raises a glass and asks for attention. Our convention is to use your voice and a raised glass instead of tapping a glass hard with a utensil, which can damage thin glass.
- Speak to the room, and look at the person you are toasting. Oklahoma State gives both pieces of advice. Start with the person's name or who you are to them, so the room knows who the toast is about.
- Close with the invitation and raise the glass. The textbook's model is a line such as "Please join me in recognizing" followed by the name. Ours for a birthday: "Please join me in raising a glass to Grandma Ruth." Then lift your glass and wait for the room to join you.
- Drink, and sit down. Everyone except the honoree raises a glass and drinks. A sip is enough.
The invitation is the last thing you say. A toast that ends with "so, yeah, that's it" teaches the room that the toast is over only when you stop, and a few people are left holding raised glasses. Write the closing line out in full and put it on the last card.
If there is a microphone, Emily Post advises taking it as you stand. The microphone section of Voice, microphone and the room covers holding it and speaking into it. If there is no microphone and the room is loud, ask the host about where to stand so more of the room can hear you.
Before you speak, and what is in the glass Understand
Drinking before you speak
Test it A study reported by the British Psychological Society's Research Digest looked at a three-minute speech given to a small audience in a laboratory. People with social anxiety disorder who had been given alcohol reported feeling less nervous. Observers rated the speeches of everyone who had drunk alcohol, anxious or not, as less competent (British Psychological Society Research Digest, 2017). The paper is Stevens and colleagues, published in Behaviour Research and Therapy in 2017; its abstract states the same two results. Debrett's says the same in etiquette terms: a best man who drinks too much beforehand will find his speech suffers.
That is what one study found. We do not use it to say how much anyone should drink, and the study does not say that either. The authors caution that the effects may differ in social settings such as a party or a meal. What you can take from it is narrow: feeling calmer after a drink is not the same as speaking better, and the two can move in opposite directions. A reader whose nerves are the problem will find what to do in Nerves and the unexpected.
Our convention, which is a planning choice and not a finding: toast first, drink after. Theo Grant does that in the example below.
What is in the glass
Convention Emily Post says you do not need an alcoholic drink to propose or drink to a toast (Emily Post, all about toasting). Our default follows it: any drink serves, water included, and a sip is enough. Other etiquette voices take a stricter line on water. Those views are under Go deeper, because a first-time speaker does not need to settle them before the day. If the occasion is formal or military and you want to know, ask the host.
The alcohol study measured one kind of speech to two listeners, in a laboratory, and says nothing about a toast at a table of friends. It tells you what happened there. It does not tell you what will happen to you, and this manual does not say how much anyone should drink. If you do not drink, or if alcohol is a problem for you, raise a glass of anything and skip the question.
When the toast is to you Understand
Birthday toasts, retirement toasts and wedding toasts are all made to someone, and that someone has a part to play too. Convention Emily Post says the honoree does not stand and does not drink to themselves. The honoree stays seated while the toast is given, and afterward may stand to thank the toaster and propose a return toast to the host (Emily Post, all about toasting). The same page contradicts itself a sentence later about whether the honoree rises, so we use the reading that the honoree stays seated during the toast and may stand afterward to thank the toaster. The Splendid Table, a public radio food program, puts it as a rule of thumb: you do not drink to yourself, and you thank the toaster afterward.
The reply is a short speech of its own. Plan three sentences: thank the person who toasted you by name, say one specific thing you appreciated, and toast someone else, usually the host or the whole table. If you are likely to be the honoree at the same dinner where you are also giving a toast, ask the host about the order so you are not both at once. At a large or formal occasion, the toaster and the honoree each stand when they speak.
If you are the host or the speaker and you want your honoree to be able to reply, tell them ahead that a toast is coming. A surprised honoree who then has to speak is a second unplanned talk in the room.
The honoree's conventions, like the rest of this chapter, come from etiquette writers and do not bind a family. A grandmother who wants to stand during her own toast can do so. Follow the host and the honoree's own wishes.
Orders, water and the alcohol study side by side Go deeper
The American and British wedding orders
| American (Emily Post) | British (Debrett's) | |
|---|---|---|
| First toast | The best man, as soon as guests are seated at a sit-down dinner. | The father of the bride, after the meal. |
| Order after | Others, then the groom after both sets of parents. | The groom, then the best man, whose speech is "traditionally the culmination." |
| Timing | Early, at the start of dinner, once guests have champagne or a nonalcoholic alternative. | "All the speeches after the meal"; Debrett's advises against splitting them between courses. |
| Length for a best man | "A minute or two, three at most." | No more than five minutes. |
| Ending | The best man's toast may be the only one. | The father of the bride ends with a toast to the couple; the groom traditionally toasts the bridesmaids, though Debrett's calls this less common. |
Sources: Emily Post, Debrett's on the best man and Debrett's on wedding dilemmas. Each applies to its own country's tradition. Neither is a rule for your reception, and mixed families often blend them. The two also differ on notes: Debrett's advises a best man to avoid notes where possible, unless very confident, while Emily Post says notes are fine. This manual's default, notes on a card, follows Emily Post; if the couple expects a speech without notes, that is a conversation to have with the best man's own nerves before the day.
Toasting with water
Three views, none from an authority that governs your table. Emily Post says an alcoholic drink is not needed. Miss Manners says tradition does not allow water, and that two things override it: correcting someone else's manners is rude, and at work it is foolish to draw attention to someone who is abstaining (Miss Manners, 2025). The Splendid Table's host takes the strictest line, calling a water toast unlucky, and suggests an empty glass or any other drink in its place (The Splendid Table, 2014). The older military form of the custom, a naval mess night, is stricter again, and the Navy's own manual said that civilian practice is more permissive; the page that carried it no longer loads, so we do not link it. The practical result is the same in all three: nobody at the table should be corrected for what they hold.
What the alcohol study did and did not do
The British Psychological Society's report describes the design: adults with social anxiety disorder and adults without it, given alcohol, a placebo drink or orange juice, then asked to give a three-minute speech to two listeners. Observers rated the speeches. The calming effect was reported only by the group with social anxiety disorder. The BPS reports that the placebo group fell between the other two, which it reads as part of the calming being expectation. The report's sample sizes differ from the abstract's, so we give none. The authors' caution that results may differ at a party stands. What the study cannot tell you is how a particular speaker at a particular table is affected.
Toasting as a couple
Emily Post advises that when two people toast together, they take turns rather than speaking at once (Emily Post, the groom's toast). Agree ahead who opens, who closes and who says the invitation.
See it: Lena's toast and Theo's See it
Lena Park and everyone around her are fictional, and every fact here is invented for this manual. Lena Park, 29, is giving a toast at her grandmother Ruth Park's 80th birthday dinner. The dinner is a Saturday evening in the private room of a restaurant, with 14 family members around one long table. Lena's uncle Daniel Park, who is hosting, toasts first. Lena speaks second, after the main course. There is no microphone. She has two minutes.
Known: the slot (two minutes), the order (Daniel, then Lena), the guests (14, family), no microphone.
Plan. One main point: Ruth taught every grandchild to cook one dish, and none of them can make it like she does. One story, about the burned dumplings. A close: "Please join me in raising a glass to Grandma Ruth." At her measured 130 words a minute, two minutes is about 260 words.
| Part | What it does | Words (about) |
|---|---|---|
| Opening | Who she is to Ruth, and a first line that names Ruth | 30 |
| Story | The dumplings that burned, and what Ruth said | 150 |
| Point | One dish each, and none can match hers | 50 |
| Close | The invitation to raise a glass | 30 |
Assumed (Lena's): 130 words a minute, from her own recording of a minute of reading; that nerves will speed her up; that a card with five keywords is enough to keep her place.
Open facts, and who settles each. Whether the room is loud enough that she should stand at one end of the table: Daniel's call to the restaurant (Saying yes). Whether Ruth minds a story about the burned dumplings: Lena's mother, who knows Ruth best (Finding what to say). Whether two minutes holds on the night: three timed runs, which gave 1:52, 2:05 and 1:58 under the assumption that nerves will speed her up, so the real run could be shorter (Rehearsing out loud). What she does if her voice catches: pause, sip water, look at Daniel (Nerves and the unexpected).
Under these assumptions, her toast potentially fits two minutes: two of the three runs came in under, and one ran five seconds over, so she trims a sentence from the story. The fit still depends on her pace on the night and on Ruth's answer about the story.
Theo Grant is fictional too, and the facts are invented. Theo Grant, 34, is best man at the wedding of his brother Marcus Grant and Priya Shah. The reception has 140 guests in a hotel ballroom. A wedding planner and a DJ run the program, and there is a handheld wireless microphone. Theo's toast is first, as soon as guests are seated, then Priya's sister, then the couple. He has three minutes. Champagne and a nonalcoholic option are poured before he speaks.
Known: the slot (three minutes, about 390 words at 130 a minute), the order, the microphone, the room.
Open facts. The order and the cue to start: the planner's run of the evening. How to hold the handheld microphone: the DJ's sound check at 5:30 pm (Voice, microphone and the room). Which of two stories about Marcus passes the test of whether Priya's grandparents would wince: Priya's sister, whom Theo asks. Whether to drink before he speaks: his choice, and he waits until after.
Free pages that show the conventions: Emily Post's all-about-toasting page (who goes first, what the honoree does), Emily Post's wedding toast page (the order at each wedding event and the length), Oklahoma State's special-occasion chapter (toast, roast and introduction models) and Debrett's best man's speech (the British version, with its limits on teasing).
Practice: write and time one toast Practice
Minimum: one toast written or on cards, with its closing line, that runs within the minutes you were given when you say it out loud. Time: about 45 minutes, plus the call to the host and two timed runs. Materials: a phone or timer, a pen and two index cards, and the plan and cards sheet.
- Ask the host or planner three things. When does my toast fall, who goes before and after me, and is there anything to mention or leave out? Write the answers in the ask.
- Write the main point in one sentence on the plan sheet, then the one story that shows it. Name the person the story is about, and note who could check it.
- Write the closing line in full, beginning "Please join me in raising a glass to" and ending with the name. For a toast, that line goes in the last-line field.
- Draft the toast to your word budget. Take the minutes you were given, multiply by your rate, and write to that count. Paste it into the length calculator to check.
- Put it on two cards: a first line on the top card and the closing line on the last, with keywords between. Say it out loud twice with a timer. Cut one detail if it runs long.
Write the honoree's reply for them. If you are close to the person and they are likely to be asked to say something, offer them three sentences for a reply: a thank-you, one specific thing they appreciated, and a toast back to the host. Offer, do not impose; they may have their own.
Your talk Your talk
Check your work Check your work
Criteria
- Did you ask the host, the couple or the planner when the toasts happen and who goes first?
- Can you say the main point in one sentence?
- Does the toast have one or two stories that show the point, each checked with someone who knows?
- Would the grandparents in the room wince at anything, and would the person teased laugh?
- Does it end with a closing line that invites the room to raise a glass, written out in full?
- Does it run within your slot, out loud, with your own speaking rate?
- If you are a host or an organizer, have you told the honoree a toast is coming?
Worked example
Lena's plan sheet holds a main point, one story, the closing line and a slot of two minutes. Her card has five keywords and her first line. Her three timed runs were 1:52, 2:05 and 1:58, within 13 seconds of each other, and she trimmed one sentence after the 2:05 run. She has not yet heard from her mother about the dumplings story, and the restaurant call is still open. It passes on structure, and two facts are still open.
Common mistakes
- Telling a third and fourth story. Two minutes holds one. Cut the extras and keep the one that shows the point.
- No closing line. The toast trails off and the room does not know to raise glasses.
- Teasing that only part of the room understands. If it needs an explanation, it is an inside joke.
- Timing the toast silently, in your head. Say it out loud with a timer, standing up.
- Raising a glass to yourself. If the toast is to you, stay seated and thank the toaster afterward.
- Assuming the order. The first toast belongs to whoever the host or the planner names.
What is still unresolved
Whether your toast is the right length is settled by the host's slot. What the family wants said is settled by the family; the questions are in Saying yes. Whether a story is true and kind is settled by the people in it (Finding what to say). How your nerves behave on the night is not something this chapter can settle; Nerves and the unexpected covers the minute before. Words about someone who has died are in Tributes and eulogies.